Pedestrian Highway Code

There’s a clear lack of rules for pedestrians, leading to traffic jams, collisions and general annoyance.  When sauntering around the shops I don’t notice it much but

a) that doesn’t happen very often, and

b) that’s because at that time I’m being part of the problem.

The problem is the different kinds of’ “traffic” going at any number of different speeds varying from half-crazed person on a half-hour lunch break, through teenagers and middle aged shoppers, to doddery old dears and people performing the texting dance (like the dance bees do to point out the location of nectar – a sort of weaving, figure of eight movement).

There are also no lanes, no hand signals, and absolutely no rear view mirrors, so when you decide to make your dive into a shop you have to guess what all the people between you and the shop door are going to do.

So here’s what I suggest:

1) Brake lights for pedestrians. These would set off it you suddenly noticed your shoelace was undone, or your eye was caught by something in a shop window.  This would avoid the awkward, edge-of-a-cliff stop you have to do if you are behind someone who stops, to avoid enveloping them in a full-body hug.

2) A lane system. I’m mainly talking about pedestrianised areas here.  Everyone on their lunchbreak, late, or in a hurry for any other reason should stick to the centre.  Anyone wanting to window shop, dawdle, text or make sudden stops should stick to the edges.  The central lane should be divided into the two directions for the avoidance of head-on collisions. Care should be taken at the entrances of shops etc. in case pedestrians are coming out, or manoevering in from the centre lane.  In this case, clear hand signals or audible warning should be given.

3) If these two measures don’t solve the problem (the problem being my getting irritated), we may have to introduce rear view mirrors, too, but that might be too drastic a step at the present time.  A quick glance in your powder compact should be sufficient.