When I was a student at St Andrews I heard some very funny and bizarre things said, and indeed said some of them myself. In my last couple of years there I started taking a note of the best ones, despite mild ridicule from one of my friends. Someone has just published a book of things overheard in St Andrews, which prompted me to look again at my list – and they’re still brilliant. So here they are, for everyone to enjoy. I swear they are all genuine.
– It’s amazing how many wrong ends a stick has.
– It’s called being dead. Live with it.
– I wish you were a boy, sometimes.
[doesn’t this sound like the opening to a novel?]
– At New Year I got drunk on champagne and told my father I was gay.
There were repercussions.
– Yes! No! What was the question?
– Always look on the bright side.
– That’s the dark side.
– I always get them mixed up – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
– So – whose angels are you?
– No, I think that’s unjust; he would never stone anyone.
– You have a lovely house. It’s much nicer than either of mine.
– Three wrongs make – a mess.
– Well since the world is ruled by evil computers…
– Sheep still excite me.
– Oh, it’s so depressing!
– Hey! You wanna sing a song?
– Good grammar is for insecure people.
– I always wanted to be a muppet instead.
– Smile, nod, back away slowly.
– In the end I had to eat my head because nobody else would.
– They’re amazingly united. With all their divisions.
– He’s a sweet boy.
– Especially when he has half a tomato in his tea.
– You can’t insult astrophysics!
– We can, but we choose not to; we prefer a challenge.
– How romantic is it, anyway? Is is something you would do to your rabbit?
– So the moral of the story is, if you find a dead pig in a field, don’t microwave it.
– Speaking of incest, where’s Ben? [by his academic sister]
– I Can’t Believe It’s Not Offal.
– You have a mean streak.
– No, she has a nice streak.
– I had dual residence last year. I lived half in Gannochy and half in denial.
[Gannochy is a very ugly residence that was used as an overflow for the very beautiful St Salvators Hall.]
– I am married, all but legally.
– Is he smoking a Mars Bar?
– You should join SupNet [Support Network]. We want people who aren’t nice.
– I think death is the only way to approach this situation in a rational and logical manner. Whose has yet to be decided.
– So he never lost a battle. And that’s supposed to be some sort of achievement, is it? [This was a comment on Alexander the Great]
– I could die a happy man. Especially if you stabbed me.
– I need sleep. No, I mean caffeine. Sorry, I get the two mixed up.
– Darling, here’s a ring. Let’s exorcise the gift of lust.
Liked this? Try Office Life (and Death).
K C Murdarasi 
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