St Andrews Quotes

1 Jul

When I was a student at St Andrews I heard some very funny and bizarre things said, and indeed said some of them myself. In my last couple of years there I started taking a note of the best ones, despite mild ridicule from one of my friends. Someone has just published a book of things overheard in St Andrews, which prompted me to look again at my list – and they’re still brilliant. So here they are, for everyone to enjoy. I swear they are all genuine.

– It’s amazing how many wrong ends a stick has.

– It’s called being dead. Live with it.

– I wish you were a boy, sometimes.

[doesn’t this sound like the opening to a novel?]
– At New Year I got drunk on champagne and told my father I was gay.
There were repercussions.

– Yes! No! What was the question?

– Always look on the bright side.
– That’s the dark side.
– I always get them mixed up – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

– So – whose angels are you?

– No, I think that’s unjust; he would never stone anyone.

– You have a lovely house. It’s much nicer than either of mine.

– Three wrongs make – a mess.

– Well since the world is ruled by evil computers…

– Sheep still excite me.

– Oh, it’s so depressing!
– Hey! You wanna sing a song?

– Good grammar is for insecure people.

– I always wanted to be a muppet instead.

– Smile, nod, back away slowly.

– In the end I had to eat my head because nobody else would.

– They’re amazingly united. With all their divisions.

– He’s a sweet boy.
– Especially when he has half a tomato in his tea.

– You can’t insult astrophysics!
– We can, but we choose not to; we prefer a challenge.

– How romantic is it, anyway? Is is something you would do to your rabbit?

– So the moral of the story is, if you find a dead pig in a field, don’t microwave it.

– Speaking of incest, where’s Ben? [by his academic sister]

– I Can’t Believe It’s Not Offal.

– You have a mean streak.
– No, she has a nice streak.

– I had dual residence last year. I lived half in Gannochy and half in denial.
[Gannochy is a very ugly residence that was used as an overflow for the very beautiful St Salvators Hall.]

– I am married, all but legally.

– Is he smoking a Mars Bar?

– You should join SupNet [Support Network]. We want people who aren’t nice.

– I think death is the only way to approach this situation in a rational and logical manner. Whose has yet to be decided.

– So he never lost a battle. And that’s supposed to be some sort of achievement, is it? [This was a comment on Alexander the Great]

– I could die a happy man. Especially if you stabbed me.

– I need sleep. No, I mean caffeine. Sorry, I get the two mixed up.

– Darling, here’s a ring. Let’s exorcise the gift of lust.

Liked this? Try Office Life (and Death).

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