Tom Pellerau, who astonishingly won The Apprentice despite being a nice chap, was talking on “You’re Hired” about how his dyslexia had been a boon to him, allowing him to turn around inventions in his mind, a thing that other people don’t seem to be able to do. I can’t do that either, since dyslexia is a very flexible disability which varies from person to person. However my own dyslexia does provide some benefits – chiefly, the amusement I get from hastily glimpsed signs.
The dyslexic brain often grabs at the shape of words rather than reading all the letters, which means (out of context) I have the ability to misread things more dramatically than the average person. Here’s a selection of my favourites:
Eat your peas = Eat your pets
Trinny and Susannah = Tyranny and Susannah
Gordon Street = Gorilla Street
Providing life-changing services to people with sight loss = providing for the vices of people with sight loss
What’s on this month = What’s on the moon
Ignite your imagination = ignore your neighbours
Recycle your batteries here = recycle your enemies here
Krushems = blaspheme
coffee shop = chlorine
Experience the wisdom of the OT in a new way = Experience the wisdom of the OT in a new wax
The Bible played a central role in Calvin’s life and work = The BBC played a central role in Calvin’s life and work
The premium computing organisation = The power of composting organisation
cafe and picnic area = cafe and piñata area
2 for 1 dining = 2 for 1 dripping
tapers in Universal Credit = tapas in Universal Credit
serviced offices = sacred offices
catalogue specials = cast a spell on us
celebrating fine coffee = celebs rating fine coffee
reduce arrears = reduce Andy to tears
Special Promotional Rates = Suicide Promotional Fares
Who will you back? = Who will you kill back?
Salsa and Salsacise classes = Salary and Sausage classes
Touch Blue Telecom = Touch the Blue Pelican
Fasten your seatbelt = Fasten your breakfast
Recruiting mechanics now = Recruiting maniacs now
FedEx = feck it
Putting customers at the heart of everything we do = Putting cushions at the heart of everything we do
A&FNY = Agent Firefly
Internal management plans = Infernal management plans
Baggage reclaim = try to remain calm [particularly apt, I think]
The cosy poncho = The cosy psycho
Bifocal contact lenses = Biblical contact lenses
Professionally formulated with argan oil = Presumably formulated with argan oil
liposuction = lapsang souchong
Welding engineers = wedding emergencies
Sit-in restaurant meals = sit in respectable schools
14 days of unmissable tennis = 14 days of unspeakable tenor
Kirsty and Phil’s Love It or List It = Kirsty and Phil’s Love Child
We’ll buy your car = We’ll eat your car
K C Murdarasi 
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