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So you want to win the Eurovision Song Contest?

13 May

How to Create the Perfect Eurovision Entry

So you want to enter the Eurovision Song Contest? Here are a few guidelines for producing the perfect entry which will wow the crowds in any of the capitals of little-known European states.

1) Choose a theme. This should ideally be love or peace, or both. Hope, unity and celebration are also acceptable. If singing about unity, make sure you throw in a few phrases in various European languages to show that you’ve made the effort. If, however, these themes are a bit too saccharine for you, it is acceptable to sing about plain old-fashioned sexual attraction. In this case, try and make sure your main singer is reasonably attractive, otherwise it could backfire.

2) Choose your singers. It’s best if they can sing, but don’t worry if they can’t – each year there are a number of entries which are not held back by having tone-deaf performers. Your singers should be as attractive as you can find (unless you’re going for a humorous entry, in which case they should look much like flesh-coloured gargoyles). For the males, try to choose pretty boys rather than ruggedly handsome men. If you can find totally androgynous ones, so much the better, as it will be very effective in the …

3) Costume changes! It is a requirement of the contest that you either have a costume change or outrageously bizarre costumes, but ideally you should aim for both. If you can manage two or three costume changes, even better, but don’t have any more than this as your singers will start off looking like the Michelin man, and there won’t be any time to sing the song. Try to change women’s clothing into men’s and vice versa, which is particularly effective if you have androgynous singers. Make sure there are contrasting colours; your costume change should take less than two seconds, and you don’t want audience members to be unaware that it has taken place if they blink during the crucial moment.

4) Add something extra. Usually this would be an ethnic dimension. This works best if you come from a country which still has a strong national culture and dress, or is so little-known that you can pretend it does without being found out. The ethnic dimension works especially well if used for tragic effect, but this should only be attempted if your country has suffered war, oppression or a significant natural disaster in the last 10 – 15 years. If you come from, for example, Switzerland, you will only lose the audience’s sympathy and try their patience. If the ethnic thing doesn’t work for you, you can also try the weird / gothic angle (although this has been overused in recent years), enter a humorous piece (but be aware that humour doesn’t always translate) or, unconventionally, present a good song sung by a talented singer. If none of these options is available or appealing, you can always go for the old fall-back – a pretty girl in a very short skirt.

Good luck, buona fortuna and paḉ fatë with your entry!*

*Please be aware that these guidelines cannot guarantee a good result in the Eurovision. For that you will need several land borders and political or ethnic ties with further-flung neighbours. If you are serious about winning, please consider moving your country to the Balkans or the former USSR.

UPDATE: Since this post was written, the wonderful “Love Love Peace Peace” was released, a scientific distillation of all the crucial elements of a successful Eurovision Song.

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Lent with John Stott

16 Mar

I realise that it is normal to give things up for Lent, but after a discussion at my church’s local housegroup, I decided to take something up instead. I will be reading “The Cross of Christ” by John Stott.

It’s not as hefty a tome as I thought (thankfully) so I may get it finished over Lent. It’s something I’ve been meaning to read, and should make Easter more meaningful when it comes.

Small claim to fame: I met Dr Stott when he was in Albania, and presented him with a video. I don’t expect he remembers me, though!

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Consuldictation

22 Jan

Consuldictation (noun): A process whereby someone or some people (usually in management) dictate a change (usually negative) which is about to take place whether you like it or not, but present it as a “consultation” so that your frustrated opinions can be heard, though not acted upon. It seems to be happening a lot these days.

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Good Dreams

13 Jan

I woke up this morning with the title and basic premise for a story in my mind. It’s nice when that happens, and even nicer when you can write it down before you forget it. It’s called “Cheque 100” and … Well, I’m not giving the rest away because it hasn’t been written yet, but suffice it to say that it has a beginning, middle and end and some tension. Hopefully it will turn out well, but I won’t know for a while because, obviously, this stroke of luck came when I’m much to busy to do anything about it. Never mind, it’s sitting in my wee book of scribbles and ideas and will see the light of day someday. And then I’ll start the long slog to try and get it published… Oh well, at least the inital idea was easy!

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Disabled Toilets

1 Mar

Disabled people don’t wear coats or carry bags. They also don’t use make up or care about the appearance of their hair. How do I know this? Because disabled toilets never have coathooks or a mirror. In fact, in a disabled toilet you’re lucky if you even get anything to dry your hands on. (A dryer that wheezes on your hands like an asthmatic gerbil does not count.)

This is annoying enough if you’re using the accessible toilet for the sake of convenience and could just go along to the ladies’, but it must be infuriating if you don’t have a choice about it. I think someone should organise a secret national event when we all go into disabled loos armed with stick-on hooks and mirrors. It would make life slightly less annoying for a lot of people.

Christmas Top 5

24 Dec

Mary and Jesus (Raphael's Madonna dell Granduca)My personal selection of the best bits of Christmas.  A couple of deliberate omissions: the incarnation of Jesus, but that is Christmas, rather than being a good thing about Christmas.  And snow, because while snow is great it more often than not comes separately from Christmas.

So, here we go, in no special order:

1) Tinsel  I love the sparkliness of tinsel, especially in low light, the softness of it when you run it through your fingers, and the smell when you take it out of the box from last year.  Nothing else smells like tinsel, and tinsel smells of Christmas!

2) Christmas Food – and far too much of it, usually, but it’s great to have an excuse to eat lovely scrummy fattening food like chocolate logs and roast potatoes.  And sherry is a funny one.  I would never drink it at any other time of year, but somehow at Christmas it’s just right.

3) Carols I wait every year for the carols to start!  I love singing them in parts or hearing them sung in parts, I love caroling out in the cold and warm, crowded, candlelit carol services.  I love the words and even the silly bits you know aren’t accurate, like the fact that “snow had fallen, snow on snow”.  Poetic licence is just fine at Christmas.

4) Presents Not just receiving (although that’s good) but giving them too.  When you’ve paid attention and you get it right, the look on people’s faces is brilliant.  And wrapping presents is fun, and so is tearing off the wrapping.  And then using all your new things as soon as possible.  Generally good in every way.

5) Christmas Spirit – by which I mean people being nice to each other.  It’s not just a myth, people really are kinder at Christmas (although it tends to be towards strangers rather than family!).  Strangers smile at each other, wish each other well and help each other out when they are in need, and there is generally a good deal more peace on earth and goodwill towards men.

None of your bah humbug here!

The Telegraph and Me

31 Oct

I had the unfortunate experience of agreeing with two opinion pieces in the Telegraph.  It made me worry that comfortable middle-aged fascism is coming on early.  The one I most nodded along to was about Scottish hallowe’en versus American.  When I were a lass (she droned) we went guising, which is sort of like busking – songs, jokes, nice costumes.  Now even in Scotland some kids go trick or treating which is a bit like demanding money with menaces.  No, it’s exactly like demanding money with menaces.

However I was reassured when I found myself spluttering in outrage at something else the Telegraph said later.  They blamed middle class, non-racist liberals (that’s me, I take it) for the rise of the BNP.  Now, I understand the argument that if people, and especially political parties, pretend that there is no need for any immigration policy and to suggest otherwise is racism, you drive people who do have concerns about immigration into the arms of extremists.  But what they seemed to be suggesting was that actually not being racist was the problem, and if people couldn’t get their healthy bit of racism in the mainstream they would vote for the BNP.  Argh!  I don’t think I’ll be switching to the Telegraph just yet.

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