Tag Archives: postaweek2011

One Seven Ate, Shawlands

24 Jun

I chose my days off well this week. Monday was cloudy but warm, while yesterday was just lovely. It was so lovely, in fact, that my sister and I, and her tiny baby, decided to explore another eating establishment n Shawlands. The one we chose was One Seven Ate. We’ve been working our way through a number of them but I probably wouldn’t have tried this one if it wasn’t for the sign that appeared in the window saying it had been awarded the title “Best Diner on the South Side”. So we decided to give it a go. It’s a tiny place, easy to miss, just opposite Shawlands Post Office. There was a two person table outside, just the one, so we plonked ourselves there and started reading the specials board. We had hardly been there a minute when the waitress appeared, offering us drinks and admiring the baby. Throughout the visit the service was extremely attentive, and very flexible. In fact, the waitress even walked the baby up and down the street in the pram when she wouldn’t settle. (Seriously!)

So what about the food? Well we didn’t feel like trying the heavier main meals so I just had a toastie while my sister had one of the specials, home made chilli on a baked potato. We were offered the choice of a side salad, and of three dressings (out of a bottle). The salad was very impressive for an optional extra, although rather weirdly it contained a lot of sweetcorn. The toastie (with my own choice of ingredients) was lovely, and so was the (home made?) coleslaw. My sister’s tap water came with a slice of lemon – always a classy touch.

The only thing I would criticise, really, was the price scheme. It seemed that just about everything was £4.99, which meant that baked potatoes and fajitas seemed a bit overpriced, while proper meals like macaroni cheese or fish and chips came in very cheap. Drinks were also priced a bit confusingly. All coffees cost the same – just over £2 – from an espresso to a mocha, while ice cream and fruit was less than that. A bit odd, but still basically affordable. The coffee, by the way, was rather bitter in an eastern sort of way (think Turkish coffee) which suited me but wouldn’t suit everyone.

All in all, a friendly, good quality local diner, and I would go there again.

Catiline

30 May

Catiline – the man who wanted to “destroy the world by fire and slaughter”.

Well that’s according to Cicero, anyway, but as Cicero was trying to push for a death sentence, he may have been a bit biased.  What Catiline really wanted was to become consul – essentially Prime Minister of the Roman Empire, except that the role was shared between two people and only lasted a year at a time.

Catiline (Lucius Servius to his pals) had gone about trying to become consul the usual ways.  He had gathered a collection of influential friends, he had bribed a lot of people, and when that had failed he had made a lot of rash promises to the worst sections of society – people who, like Catiline, had a lot to gain from a general cancellation of debts, for example.

When none of this worked, isn’t it understandable that Catiline got a little miffed?  Understandable, yes, but that doesn’t actually justify raising an army against Rome.  Here I have to confess that I have a bit of a soft spot for Catiline.  He was colourful and bold, and I always have a weakness for a good baddie.  But the fact is that Catiline isn’t a fictional character, he was a real historical figure, and I’m sure that if I had been around in Rome at the time I would have been calling for his arrest as loudly as anyone else.  (Which is to say, calling quite quietly, so his armed thugs wouldn’t kill me.)

Catiline had been trained in violence and ruthlessness under Sulla.  During the period of the proscriptions (70s BC), when Catiline was a young man, he was on Sulla’s side so he got away with murder, literally, as well as pillaging the property of those he killed.  Catiline didn’t just know how to acquire money, though; he knew how to spend it, too. He ended up in huge amounts of debt, which made it all the more important that he become consul.  The job wasn’t paid, but the year after being consul the ex-consul would be sent out as governor of a province.  That gave you the right to tax and generally exploit the local people (although you could be prosecuted if you went too far).  This would have cancelled out all of Catiline’s debt problems, and he gambled on this when he paid out bribes all over the place, but due to bad luck, lack of money (on the second attempt) and probably reservations about his character, he failed in both attempts to become consul.

It’s what he did next that he’s remembered for.  Gathering supporters both from the senatorial class (the top class, who made up the governing body) and the lower orders, he formed a band of conspirators within Rome and set up a military camp in Etruria, another part of Italy, under the command of a general called Manlius.  Then he set about trying to kill Cicero, the man who had beaten him to the consulship in 63BC.  Unfortunately for Catiline, Cicero had informants telling him all of Catiline’s plans.  There wasn’t all that much that Cicero could do, however.  Catiline needed to be proved guilty of a crime, and he protested his innocence.  He still came along to the Senate (parliament) and took part in public business, making things very awkward for Cicero.

By use of a powerful speech (Against Catiline I) in which he revealed just how much he knew of Catiline’s plans, Cicero managed to persuade Catiline to leave Rome.  Of course, he went straight to the camp in Etruria, where he gained more and more supporters from discontented Italians.  To add to the problem he posed to Rome, Catiline had left supporters in Rome who were supposed to kill Cicero, since he was the main obstacle to power.  (A number of the Senate were on Catiline’s side, after all.)  This plot also backfired because of Cicero’s informants, and so it eventually came to a pitched battle, Catiline’s troops against the Roman army.  Catiline died in 62BC, leading from the front.  Whatever else he was, he was a brave man.

Cicero felt justly proud of himself for dealing with this danger to Rome when no one else was really taking the threat from Catiline seriously.  The trouble was, though, that the circumstances which threw up the Catilinarian conspiracy still existed.  There were plenty of young men like him, born to power but unable to reach it because of debt caused by living the lifestyle that was expected of them.  There were plenty of locals outside Rome who were unhappy with the crumbs thrown by Rome and who would join forces against the status quo.  And there were other men like Catiline – ambitious, bold and ruthless – who realised that with an army behind you, power was only a few battles away.  These men – Pompey, Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony and Octavian – would tear the Roman world apart in civil wars, and would eventually lead to the fall of the Roman Republic itself.

Imagining Scotland Competition

21 May

It’s been a very slow year as far as getting published goes, but finally there is some positive news to report – the Imagining Scotland website has finally published the stories that were long-listed in its competition. I’ve been waiting for this for a while, since mine is among them. It’s a collection of stories about the future of Scotland. You can read mind, “The Scottish Dream”, here.

So you want to win the Eurovision Song Contest?

13 May

How to Create the Perfect Eurovision Entry

So you want to enter the Eurovision Song Contest? Here are a few guidelines for producing the perfect entry which will wow the crowds in any of the capitals of little-known European states.

1) Choose a theme. This should ideally be love or peace, or both. Hope, unity and celebration are also acceptable. If singing about unity, make sure you throw in a few phrases in various European languages to show that you’ve made the effort. If, however, these themes are a bit too saccharine for you, it is acceptable to sing about plain old-fashioned sexual attraction. In this case, try and make sure your main singer is reasonably attractive, otherwise it could backfire.

2) Choose your singers. It’s best if they can sing, but don’t worry if they can’t – each year there are a number of entries which are not held back by having tone-deaf performers. Your singers should be as attractive as you can find (unless you’re going for a humorous entry, in which case they should look much like flesh-coloured gargoyles). For the males, try to choose pretty boys rather than ruggedly handsome men. If you can find totally androgynous ones, so much the better, as it will be very effective in the …

3) Costume changes! It is a requirement of the contest that you either have a costume change or outrageously bizarre costumes, but ideally you should aim for both. If you can manage two or three costume changes, even better, but don’t have any more than this as your singers will start off looking like the Michelin man, and there won’t be any time to sing the song. Try to change women’s clothing into men’s and vice versa, which is particularly effective if you have androgynous singers. Make sure there are contrasting colours; your costume change should take less than two seconds, and you don’t want audience members to be unaware that it has taken place if they blink during the crucial moment.

4) Add something extra. Usually this would be an ethnic dimension. This works best if you come from a country which still has a strong national culture and dress, or is so little-known that you can pretend it does without being found out. The ethnic dimension works especially well if used for tragic effect, but this should only be attempted if your country has suffered war, oppression or a significant natural disaster in the last 10 – 15 years. If you come from, for example, Switzerland, you will only lose the audience’s sympathy and try their patience. If the ethnic thing doesn’t work for you, you can also try the weird / gothic angle (although this has been overused in recent years), enter a humorous piece (but be aware that humour doesn’t always translate) or, unconventionally, present a good song sung by a talented singer. If none of these options is available or appealing, you can always go for the old fall-back – a pretty girl in a very short skirt.

Good luck, buona fortuna and paḉ fatë with your entry!*

*Please be aware that these guidelines cannot guarantee a good result in the Eurovision. For that you will need several land borders and political or ethnic ties with further-flung neighbours. If you are serious about winning, please consider moving your country to the Balkans or the former USSR.

UPDATE: Since this post was written, the wonderful “Love Love Peace Peace” was released, a scientific distillation of all the crucial elements of a successful Eurovision Song.

Crime Scene

6 May

At some point in the future someone will ask, didn’t you suspect something, didn’t you realise there was something – not quite right?  And you’ll pretend that you did.  But for now you just sit here at his table, drinking his wine and looking into his eyes, smelling nothing but the air freshener, hearing nothing but the music.

Loss of Irony

2 May

I seem to be losing my sense of irony. First I genuinely enjoyed the royal wedding, and not just for the pretty horses. I was even a little bit emotional when they said “I will”. Now, I find myself looking forward to the Eurovision. That’s not unusual, I love the Eurovision and watch it every year, but every year I find that I care a bit more about which song is going to win and smirk a bit less at the tackiness of it all. Where will this end? Will I have to emigrate to Germany where I can support leather-clad hard rock entries with a straight face?

On the other hand, though, what is the advantage of irony? Fair enough, it takes the edge of unpleasant things if you don’t have to take them seriously, but if it dampens my enjoyment of the royal pageantry of the wedding and epic Europeaness of the Eurovision, what’s the point? I’ll be shouting “douze points” with abandon this year, thank you!

Lent with John Stott

16 Mar

I realise that it is normal to give things up for Lent, but after a discussion at my church’s local housegroup, I decided to take something up instead. I will be reading “The Cross of Christ” by John Stott.

It’s not as hefty a tome as I thought (thankfully) so I may get it finished over Lent. It’s something I’ve been meaning to read, and should make Easter more meaningful when it comes.

Small claim to fame: I met Dr Stott when he was in Albania, and presented him with a video. I don’t expect he remembers me, though!

Best Things About Spring

25 Feb

images by photoeverywhere.co.uk

I’ve had coffee outside in the sunshine, been for a walk in the park, and just installed a pink blossom design into newly downloaded Firefox (not that re-downloading had made it open Yahoo, but hey). It must be spring (hopefully) so here is my top 5 things about Spring.

1) The smell of it. It smells fresh, not in a crisp wintery way but in green and pink, things growing sort of way. And the air is softer so you can fill your lungs with it instead of protecting yourself from it with a scarf like you do in winter.

2) Daffodils. Not the only spring flower, but the best. They brighten up hills, parks, and my hall table, and they even smell bright! They’re such an amazing shape, so that they’re associated in my heat with brass-heavy Easter songs (see point 4). In York in the springtime, the banks up to the old city walls are covered with daffodils. It’s worth going for that reason alone (although there are many other reasons to visit York, as it happens).

3) Blossom. This post is really straying into Disney territory, isn’t it? But think about it: trees which are usually either green or brown suddenly turn pink! It would be astounding if we weren’t so used to it. In Albania the blossom we got in Spring was orange blossom, which also smells amazing.

4) Easter happens in springtime. As a Christian, Easter is actually more important to me than Christmas. It’s solemn but it’s also joyful – declaring “He is risen indeed!” on the Sunday with a group of other happy, believing people is a good feeling. There are some brilliant songs which only come out at Easter, like My Song is Love Unknown and Thine Be the Glory (which has to be played with trumpets!). And on top of all that, you are encouraged to eat loads of chocolate!

5) The fact that summer is on the way. I’m fond of spring (I like all the seasons, actually), but if I had to choose I would take the sizzling sun and long, warm evenings of summer. Not long to go now!

Company Policy on Screaming

31 Jan

She wants to scream. She wants to scream so often that she doesn’t notice when, finally, she does. She is asked to speak to the HR Manager.
“It was just a scream. Screaming’s not against company policy, is it?”
It turns out that it is.
“What about sighing?” she enquires, carefully holding it in.

 

 

This piece of flash fiction is available to download as part of my collection of short stories, Office Life (and Death).

Consuldictation

22 Jan

Consuldictation (noun): A process whereby someone or some people (usually in management) dictate a change (usually negative) which is about to take place whether you like it or not, but present it as a “consultation” so that your frustrated opinions can be heard, though not acted upon. It seems to be happening a lot these days.