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When I rule the world…

10 Aug

It’s not going to happen (which is undoubtedly for the best) but here’s what would happen if I suddenly found myself in charge of the world – or just the country.

1) Car culture would be a thing of the past.  You’re not getting one unless you have a good reason, like living in the country or having limited physical mobility.  I am sick of almost missing my train even though I live two minutes from the station, because you can’t even cross the road in the morning.

2) Anyone who let their dog foul and didn’t clear it up would have their dog taken off them.  Of course, this would be less of a problem than it is now because…

3) Private dog ownership would be seriously curtailed (you’d have to have the time and space to look after it properly), and there would be a quota for cats so there weren’t too many in each neighbourhood.  Sounds harsh, but think how many more songbirds there would be.

4) Tomorrow wouldn’t start at midnight which is clearly the evening, not the morning.  Instead it would start at 6am, which, if you’ve stayed up all night, is about the time you start to think “oh no, it’s tomorrow!”

And finally,

5) There would be a law against starting Christmas advertising before November.

Don’t worry, I’m not thinking of going into politics anytime soon 😉

Five Things That Are Annoying

7 May

In no particular order.

1) Getting spam from a company you’re already a customer of. Spam is annoying enough anyway, but when they only have your address because you’re already a customer it’s doubly annoying. I can’t tell you the number of times my bank has sent leaflets asking me to open a current account with them. And how do they have my address? Because I have a current account with them!

2) Online surveys that tell you you haven’t qualified after you thought you’d nearly finished the survey. If it were one or two test questions just to see if you’re a suitable subject that’s fair enough (e.g. “Do you have a car? No? Then you haven’t qualified”). But when you spend the best part of ten minutes typing away thinking you’re going to get some reward, and then they tell you – that’s really annoying.

3) Deceitful returns policies. See when they get you to buy something by saying “Of course you can bring it back for any reason at all!” and then when you try to return it it’s all “there’s no defect” or “you’ll have to speak to the manager”, that’s deeply annoying. You feel deceived. I bought something from the gadget counter at Hamleys (“Of course you can bring it back!”) and I had no end of trouble getting them to take it back even though the instructions were in gibberish and the product didn’t actually work!

4) Swearing on public transport. Everyone gets annoyed, but some people think it’s fine to utter an expetive every second word even when surrounded by complete strangers. The thing is, although I believe in freedom of speech, you have a captive audience on public transport and they probably don’t want to hear it. Save it for somewhere that people can escape if they want to!

5) Drivers who don’t signal for pedestrians. Grr! I know there’s no point in signaling when there’s no-one around, but a pedestrian is not no-one! We also need to know whether you’re turning right (and we can therefore cross the road) or left (and will therefore knock us down). Of course, cyclists often don’t signal for drivers or pedestrians, but to start on them would require another list!

Pedestrian Highway Code

21 Oct

There’s a clear lack of rules for pedestrians, leading to traffic jams, collisions and general annoyance.  When sauntering around the shops I don’t notice it much but

a) that doesn’t happen very often, and

b) that’s because at that time I’m being part of the problem.

The problem is the different kinds of’ “traffic” going at any number of different speeds varying from half-crazed person on a half-hour lunch break, through teenagers and middle aged shoppers, to doddery old dears and people performing the texting dance (like the dance bees do to point out the location of nectar – a sort of weaving, figure of eight movement).

There are also no lanes, no hand signals, and absolutely no rear view mirrors, so when you decide to make your dive into a shop you have to guess what all the people between you and the shop door are going to do.

So here’s what I suggest:

1) Brake lights for pedestrians. These would set off it you suddenly noticed your shoelace was undone, or your eye was caught by something in a shop window.  This would avoid the awkward, edge-of-a-cliff stop you have to do if you are behind someone who stops, to avoid enveloping them in a full-body hug.

2) A lane system. I’m mainly talking about pedestrianised areas here.  Everyone on their lunchbreak, late, or in a hurry for any other reason should stick to the centre.  Anyone wanting to window shop, dawdle, text or make sudden stops should stick to the edges.  The central lane should be divided into the two directions for the avoidance of head-on collisions. Care should be taken at the entrances of shops etc. in case pedestrians are coming out, or manoevering in from the centre lane.  In this case, clear hand signals or audible warning should be given.

3) If these two measures don’t solve the problem (the problem being my getting irritated), we may have to introduce rear view mirrors, too, but that might be too drastic a step at the present time.  A quick glance in your powder compact should be sufficient.

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