Archive | July, 2011

The Joys of Dyslexia

19 Jul

Tom Pellerau, who astonishingly won The Apprentice despite being a nice chap, was talking on “You’re Hired” about how his dyslexia had been a boon to him, allowing him to turn around inventions in his mind, a thing that other people don’t seem to be able to do. I can’t do that either, since dyslexia is a very flexible disability which varies from person to person. However my own dyslexia does provide some benefits – chiefly, the amusement I get from hastily glimpsed signs.

The dyslexic brain often grabs at the shape of words rather than reading all the letters, which means (out of context) I have the ability to misread things more dramatically than the average person.  Here’s a selection of my favourites:

Eat your peas = Eat your pets

Trinny and Susannah = Tyranny and Susannah

Gordon Street = Gorilla Street

Providing life-changing services to people with sight loss = Providing for the vices of people with sight loss

What’s on this month = What’s on the moon

Ignite your imagination = ignore your neighbours

Recycle your batteries here = recycle your enemies here

Krushems = blaspheme

coffee shop = chlorine

Experience the wisdom of the OT in a new way = Experience the wisdom of the OT in a new wax

The Bible played a central role in Calvin’s life and work = The BBC played a central role in Calvin’s life and work

The premium computing organisation = The power of composting organisation

cafe and picnic area = cafe and piñata area

2 for 1 dining = 2 for 1 dripping

tapers in Universal Credit = tapas in Universal Credit

serviced offices = sacred offices

catalogue specials =  cast a spell on us

celebrating fine coffee = celebs rating fine coffee

reduce arrears = reduce Andy to tears

Special Promotional Rates = Suicide Promotional Fares

Who will you back? = Who will you kill back?

Salsa and Salsacise classes = Salary and Sausage classes

Touch Blue Telecom = Touch the Blue Pelican

Fasten your seatbelt = Fasten your breakfast

Recruiting mechanics now = Recruiting maniacs now

FedEx = Feck it

Putting customers at the heart of everything we do = Putting cushions at the heart of everything we do

A&FNY = Agent Firefly

Internal management plans = Infernal management plans

Baggage reclaim = try to remain calm [particularly apt, I think]

The cosy poncho = The cosy psycho

Bifocal contact lenses = Biblical contact lenses

Professionally formulated with argan oil = Presumably formulated with argan oil

liposuction = lapsang souchong

Welding engineers = Wedding emergencies

Sit-in restaurant meals = Sit in respectable schools

14 days of unmissable tennis = 14 days of unspeakable tenor

Kirsty and Phil’s Love It or List It = Kirsty and Phil’s Love Child

We’ll buy your car = We’ll eat your car

To Let = Too Late

Do the right thing for your retinas = Do the right thing for your victims

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Bring Back Rob McElwee!

11 Jul

I have started a petition to bring back Rob McElwee, the BBC weatherman.  His forecasts were a joy, full of idiosyncratic phrases and anthropomorphic weather systems.  He was cut by the BBC earlier this year, much to many people’s dismay.  I know I’m not alone in this – there’s even an appreciation page on Facebook, as well as a page calling for his reinstatement.

If you are a fan of intelligent TV, please sign my petition.  When I have enough signatures I’ll be contacting the BBC directly.

You can see an example of Rob’s presenting here: Rob McElwee forecast
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Harmony Beauty Salon, Cathcart

8 Jul

Massage. Is there anything else which is so good for you and at the same time so pleasurable? Yesterday I went for a massage at Harmony in Cathcart. It was free (of course – I am the Freebie Queen) because my sister had given me her O2 reward. I had the choice of facial waxing or threading, manicure, pedicure or massage, and went for massage.

Harmony is less than a ten minute walk from Cathcart station, but it’s a bit off the beaten track and you have to know where you’re going – which I didn’t. I was wishing I had brought a map by the time I finally found Ashmore Road. The door was locked because there was only one person working (Caroline) but I was let in almost immediately and left in the small waiting area opposite a wall full of reassuring certificates.

The salon smelt of wax, as all beauty salons do. It’s not a strong smell, nor is it unpleasant, but it is very pervasive. (If you don’t know what it smells like, pop your head round the door of any beauty salon in the country.) The waiting area could have done with a better selection of magazines; my choice was Woman’s Weekly, trashy celebrity magazines or a shopping catalogue. I’ll leave you to guess which I chose. But I didn’t go there for the reading material, did I? I went for the massage, and that was lovely.

The treatment room was small but clean and tastefully decorated, with the usual soothing music on the stereo. It had a proper massage bed with a hole for the client’s face, which was good for me, and adjustable height, which is good for the therapist.

Caroline offered me the choice of Swedish or aromatherapy massage, and a choice of aims for the aromatherapy – relaxing, energising, etc. During the massage the room was very dark, the music quiet, Caroline’s hands warm, and it was very easy to relax. I’m sure I got more than the fifteen minutes I was entitled to, and even my legs got a bit of treatment. At the end my back felt wonderful and all the knots were worked out of my neck. My lymphatic system was also stimulated and my levels of cortisol (stress hormone) reduced, but perhaps that’s a bit too sciency. The point it, massage is great and everyone should do it, and Harmony (provided you have a map) is a good place to have one.

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Stories for Nine Year Olds

5 Jul

I was at a friend’s flatwarming the other day, had a look at her bookshelves and saw Stories for Nine Year Olds!  This was one of my favourite books from childhood.  I worked my way through the small school library, and came across it on my way.  It was one of a series (you can probably guess the names of the other titles) but the Nine Year Olds volume was by far the best.

Stories for Nine Year Olds was my first introduction to Saki (“The Lumber Room”) who became a favourite.  It has “The White Seal” in it, a wonderful Kipling story.  It also has the story of Theseus and the Minotaur, which must have been one of my earlier encounters with Greek myth and the ancient world in general.  I don’t think it’s still in print (although there are other books with the same name) but if you can get hold of one it’s a great read for any age.

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Dinky Laptop

5 Jul

I think it’s about time I sang the praises of my new netbook. It is an Elonex Webbook which I bought on Ebay for about £55. It’s tiny (7 inches!), it’s ancient (Windows CE 6.0 if that means anything to you) and it struggles to do much more than let me type, but I only got it so that I could write on the go without having to type it up, and it fulfills that purpose admirably.

Someone commented that it’s too small to be of any use, but I must have particularly nimble fingers, because it’s not giving me any serious problems – a few more typos than usual, that’s all. It fits in my handbag, which is not large, and means I can take it with me on the train to work. It takes about 15 minutes each way. Allowing for time to sort myself out, turn it on, save my work, turn it off etc. it give me another twenty minutes of writing time for every day I travel to the office. That may not sound like much, but when you struggle to find time to write (lack of discipline, really, rather than lack of time) it makes a huge difference. I’ve written an entire short story (A Recipe for Summer) and a few chapters of my novel Vermin on it. Well worth £55 – especially since it’s tax deductable 😉

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