Defraging the Year

9 Dec

You may be aware that Scotland has a lot of weather. A lot of weather. We don’t just have North Sea oil wealth, we are also rich in rain, hail, sleet and snow – although, contrary to popular belief, we do get some of the more pleasant kinds of weather, too.

The trouble with weather in Scotland is not so much the type or the quantity, it’s the distribution. We can and do get snow in June, warm sunny days in November, and rain just about anytime with only a few minutes’ notice.

This year has been a particularly apt example of the uneven distribution of Scotland’s weather, which led some colleagues and me to a helpful conclusion: you could make a perfectly good year of weather out of 2011 if you could just rearrange it, so what we need is a defragmenting machine.

In computers, you use a defraging (defragmenting) program to rearrange things stored on the memory into a more sensible pattern, in order to save space. We could do the same for weather, moving all the sunny days together to make a decent summer and putting all the snow and sleet in deepest winter where it belongs. If we can only work out how to defrag time we will have four defined seasons full of perfectly acceptable weather. But I think ‘Hurricane Bawbag’ could go straight into deleted items.

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Fact Checking

6 Dec

I experienced a wee bit of disappointment reading The Cross of Christ the other day. It’s not that it failed to be insightful or that I thought the opinions in it were invalid, it was a ‘fact’ contained on p368.

The author, John Stott, cites a Paul Tournier citing another man called Pierre Rentchnick, talking about the effects of being orphaned on a man’s psychology. He gives a big long list of examples, including Hitler, Stalin and Napoleon, but starting with Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar. Now I know off-hand that Alexander was no orphan. He could only become king because his father had died, obviously, but that was when he was 19 and very much an adult. His mother, Olympia, used to write him long letters when he was off conquering the world. (One day I will, I promise, write a piece about Alexander for my ‘Ancient History – just the best bits’ series, but it’s daunting because it’s impossible to do him justice.)

I quickly checked up on Julius Caesar too, and his father died when Julius was 16 and just about to enter public life, which I don’t think counts, either. He, too, was to all intents and purposes an adult in that society.

It’s not important, or course – one small fact wrong, and who knows who even made the original mistake with all that citing going on, but it made me think: How often have I relied on someone else’s work, blithely citing them and assuming they’ve checked? How often have other writers built on shaky foundations this way? Not a comforting thought.

By the way, Stott also uses the word ‘authoress’, which is so dated I’d never even heard it before. My new word for myself? 😉

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An Advent Ambition

27 Nov

Today is the first day of Advent. You may recall that, way back in Lent, I started reading John Stott’s magnum opus The Cross of Christ. I did read it for the whole of Lent but didn’t finish it. After that, life got in the way, other things were more urgent, and I was only getting through it at a pace that would have embarrassed a snail.

The approach of Advent changed that. I am now determined to finish it by Christmas, and you can hold me to that. I’m already in the final section, about how it applies to real life, so it shouldn’t be too hard. Tomorrow I will be starting on the thorny problem of the authority of the state from a theological point of view. It’s heavy stuff, but I think it’s fairly appropriate as we prepare to celebrate that other great theological mystery – the Incarnation – at Christmas.

(By the way, in the time that I’ve been reading his book, Dr Stott has died. All the more reason to make good use of what he left behind, I think.)

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An Apology to Posters of Comments

23 Nov

I seem to have had too much faith in the automatic systems of WordPress.  I have never checked my “spam” comments, simply believing my dashboard when it tells me it has “protected” me from x spam comments.  Today, out of curiosity, I looked at the 5 that were still in the queue.  Three were spam (although two were cunningly disguised), one I couldn’t really interpret, and the final one was a perfectly nice, relevant comment.  Oops.  I’ve approved it now, but if that sample is anything to go on, up to 20% of the automatically deleted comments could be non-spam.  (And yes, I know that’s statistically dodgy because it’s too small a sample, but you see my point.)

So, if you have posted anything to this site which was not spam, and it never appeared, please accept my apologies.  I’ll try and be more diligent in checking my spam queue in future.

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Writing on Water

20 Nov

Writing on Water - Earlyworks AnthologyThe poetry and flash fiction anthology Writing on Water has just been published by Earlyworks Press.  It’s £8.49 including postage and you can buy it using the link above.  I have a small piece in it, called “Laser Eye Surgery” (which, incidentally, I have had.  It’s well worth it and you can read more about it in my Suite101 article).

The rest of the work in the book looks great, from my quick flick through.  There’s a touching piece about the elephant in the room (Sarah Cluderay) and a quirky little poem called “Vote of Thanks” (Phil Powley), as well as a Christmas poem, “Christmas Cards 2010” (Christine Collette).  That’s just a selection of my favourites from the ones I have read so far, but I have only dipped in.  It’s worth considering as a Christmas present for a literary-minded aunt, or similar.

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Constant Corriecraving, or The Awkwardness of Almost Strangers

18 Nov

I have a problem. It doesn’t blight my life but it does create regular moments of social awkwardness. I pass the same guy on the way to work most days, and sometimes on the way home, too. I don’t know him, I know nothing about him, but obviously I recognise him since I’ve seen him several times a week for years. You’d think we’d have struck up an acquaintance over the years. We haven’t. In fact we are condemned to what the Meaning of Liff dictionary would call ‘corriecraving’, without the relief of ‘corriedoo’.

It’s not just him, though. There are all the people who wait at the same small station as me every morning and get the same train to the same destination. I know most of them by sight but etiquette demands that I pretend not to, and we are only permitted to talk to each other when the trains are disrupted.

I once broke this law. In a fit of high spirits after receiving some good news I cheerily wished one of my fellow passengers good morning. Did this break the ice? Did I then have a companion to greet each morning? No, it just made things worse, because then I had to see this incomplete stranger every morning with the added awkwardness of knowing that I had once wished him a cheery good morning. Luckily for me, he soon moved away.

As for my corriecraving companion, that problem should soon be solved, too, since I’m leaving that place of work. Not because of him, of course, but it won’t be one of the things I’ll miss.

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The Breeding Habits of Biros

13 Nov

In 1935 Ladislas Biro journeyed to South America. There, in the wilderness of Argentina, he discovered a species of worm previously unknown to the Western world. Hard shelled and secreting a thick, dark slime, it was considered merely a pest by the locals, but Ladislas could see its potential.

Ladislas rushed back to Paris and lodged a patent for his new ‘invention’. Soon, the world was introduced to the Biro, a new kind of writing implement that wrote (or rather, left its thick, coloured slime) on almost every surface, and worked constantly, without refilling, for up to two years – that being the average life cycle of the Argentinian worm.

Mr Biro was no fool. He understood that if people discovered the true nature of the new pens, not only would he be a laughing stock, but people would simply breed the worms, and there would be no more income to be had from export. He thought the risk was small, however; Biros were both expensive and reliable. Why would any household have more than one? Even if they did, what were the chances that they would have both male and female, and would keep them together for any length of time?

Ladislas’ gamble paid off, and he lived out the rest of his wealthy life without discovery. Those who came after him, however, were not so cautious. Greedy to expand they lowered the price and flooded the market. Soon people were giving away specially bred sloganed versions for free, and betting shops were importing a dwarf variety by the thousand, and what Ladislas had feared came to pass: Left alone in drawers, desk tidies and pencil cases, the worms started to breed.

Ladislas Biro had anticipated an outcry, investigations, the ripping up of his patent and mass breeding programmes, but none of this came about. Instead people merely shrugged, said to themselves “I must have picked up another free one without noticing”, and went on with their lives, resigned to always having too many Biros. Around the world, Biros bred prolifically, rearing their young in the nooks and crannies of modern life, and mankind went about its business in total ignorance – until now.

 

Liked this? Try Office Life (and Death), a collection of funny short stories.

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Foreign Flavours Out Now

4 Nov

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/foreign-flavours/18192264

You can use this link to buy the Foreign Flavours charity anthology on Lulu. It’s priced at just under a tenner and profits go to a developing world books charity. I have a very small piece in it.

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Why I Hate iPhones

3 Nov

The Price

Around £500 for what is essentially a toy? (And don’t bother to tell me it’s a phone; yes, it phones, but you can get a model that does it better for a fiver.  For proof, look at any small child presented with an iPhone: It’s a toy.) But it’s not just the outrageous price of the handset, there’s also the running cost to consider. Normally you can negotiate with a phone company, especially if you’re a loyal customer, but not if you’re after an iPhone. Then they’ve got you where they want you. They can demand some huge monthly payment and, like an addict buying a fix, you’ll grumble, but you’ll accept it.

The Advertising

The problem with the advertising is that it’s so annoyingly good. They show you all the shiny new things the toy can do in the most simple and effective way, so that you don’t feel you’ve had the hard sell, you just feel that you really, really want it. I’m not immune to the covetousness it conjures up – but like Odysseus with the sirens, I make myself resist

The Evil Apple Behemoth

Once you have been drawn in by that siren song, Apple will make sure the pull you further and further into their clutches. You want to listen to music on your iPhone? To do that you will have to download iTunes. No simple drag and drop from your computer to your phone; instead you have to go into their shop and negotiate the fiddly, user-unfriendly interface. And then, of course, if you download any new songs they come in a format that can only be used on iPhones / ipods, no other music devices. The same goes for ebooks. You can read epub files on any book reader, and you can download the Kindle app for your phone or PC, but buy an ebook from Apple and you can have it on your i-device or nothing. All if which means, if you don’t want to lose all of the stuff you’ve downloaded, you’ll have to stick with iPhones forever.

Apps That Eat Money

Another sneaky lure to coax more of your disposable income out of your pocket are apps that are free to download, but require you to buy things to progress. That means you’ll be authorising payments in the heat of a game you’re trying to win – not conducive to sober judgement. Ok, this problem may not be confined to iPhones, and it has nothing to do with Apple – but it’s still very annoying!

Androids Are Better

When the original iPhone was released it was like nothing else, a totally new breed of phone. The adverts seemed like fiction so everyone flocked to see if it was really like that – and it was. Now, however, other companies have caught up. A good Android phone can do everything an iPhone can do, but without the annoying inflexibility, the ‘Apple-knows-best’ness of the iPhone. And they’re cheaper. And the contracts are more affordable. And you have a choice of various makes and models. Once the iPhone was evil but unique. Now it’s just evil.

And that is why I HATE IPHONES!

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A note to the designers of mobile websites

31 Oct

I’ve just had a bad experience with two different mobile websites. Firstly Dominoes. After googling the address I naturally went for the mobile site, thinking it would be quicker. And perhaps it would – if I had lived in the USA. No indication that it was a US site until you were well into your order. So I gave up and got the laptop out.

Later, hubbie having annexed the laptop, I tried Boots Treat Street. All went well until I tried to sign in. You’d think that would be a pretty basic function on a site designed to collect points but no, that’s not one of the features of the mobile site.

Nothing daunted, I clicked on the link for the full site, entered my details and clicked submit – only to be taken straight back to the page telling me I couldn’t do that on the mobile site. A few moments’ experimentation showed me that I could dance this merry circle all night if I wanted to. I didn’t want to, so again I gave up.

These are not my only bad experiences if this type, so designers of mobile web sites, please note: I don’t want a mobile website because it looks pretty. I don’t want it because its cool and all the other sites have one. I don’t even care how quickly it loads if it doesn’t perform the basic function I went to it for. If the mobile version isn’t actually easier to use on a mobile than the normal site, I would prefer not to have one. Please bear this In mind in future!

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