Albania – the Other Side of the World

16 Aug

As soon as I got back  to Britain, Albania started fading like a dream.  When I’m in the UK, Albania seems like a crazy, imaginary place, and when I’m over there the West just seems like a story.  They are two different  worlds and it seems impossible that they could both be true.  Before the last rays of sunshine trickle from my memory I’ll set down a few of my favourite, and least favourite, thing about Albania.

A Roadside Building in Albania

A Roadside Building in Albania

+ve Buildings with bold geometric shapes and contrasting colours, with supporting columns thrown out at energetic angles.   These are typically roadside garages or “kompleks” (small service stations) but you also get hotels and apartment blocks in this form.  I think it’s probably a combination of the survival from the communist era of an appreciation for strong, clean lines, with a post-communist rebellion against the constant grey and lack of decoration,  but I’m hardly an expert on architectural psychology.  The photo is terrible, taken from a moving car with a phone camera, but it gives you an idea.  It may not be to your taste, of course – after all, I’m one of those people who like wind turbines.

+ve The food.  I love Albanian food, generally speaking.  That’s not to say I haven’t had any number of bad meals in Albania, but when it’s done well, Albanian cuisine is amazing.  This, like the buildings, is also a matter of taste.  It tends to be greasy and salty and generally bad for you – but then, I’m Scottish, I’m designed to like that kind of stuff.  My favourite kind of Albanian food is the fast food – byrek me gjise (salty white soft cheese inside flaky filo pastry) and sufllaqe (pork, salad, and chips in a pitta, with lashings of  ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise).  I always make a beeline to my friend Dajana’s sufllaqe shop whenever I return to the town of Lushnje.

+ve and -ve  Sunshine.  Now, this looks like it should be a clear-cut positve, but you can have too much of a good thing.  When you’ve been suffering through Scotland’s excuse for a summer, constant hot sunshine is great, and that’s true up to about 35 degrees (in the sun).  Once it starts to climb above that, however, you start to remember that the sun can kill you – and indeed it feels like it will when you’re struggling through the blazing 40 degree sunshine, gasping for the next patch of shade and glugging litres of water.  Most of the time this trip the weather was perfect – hot enough to persuade you into the sea / lake / river, not hot enough to make you want to drown yourself there.

+ve and -ve  Another plus and minus combined is the driving.  On the one hand I love the freedom of not having to wear a seatbelt and the innovative way people deal with road regulations, such as improvising their own contraflows (when I’m being driven – driving myself would be fairly terrifying).  On the other hand, most people do seem  to drive like idiots, park in the daftest places, and accidents are accepted as a natural hazard.  I saw two while I was out there in less than two weeks.  Neither was serious, but it gives you some idea of the condition cars and bikes – and, in some cases, people – end up in.

-ve But if you think driving conditions are bad, you should try being a pedestrian.  There’s a reason why people walk down the roads, despite the crazy driving, and it’s that the pavements are more hazardous.  The slabs are often broken or missing, and in some places there are uncovered manholes and drains (although this problem is not as bad as it used to be).  It’s not that bad in sensible shoes in the daytime, but throw in the complication of high heels, or nightime, or both, and things get very hairy indeed.

-ve Worse than the broken pavements was the broken sleep. Now this isn’t a typical Albanian thing like the others on the list, it’s more a result of being there in the holidays when people are coming and going and everyone wants to fit as much in as possible.  So there were 4am wake up calls to go fishing, the husband coming in from a local bar in the early hours, relatives arriving from Greece at three in the morning – and sometimes more than one interruption in a night.  I spent a week without a whole night’s sleep and I would have become homicidal if it wasn’t for the siestas.

+ve Affection.  In Albania, your friends show you that they love you, and you can do the same back without fear of being misunderstood.  There’s so much more platonic touching – holding hands, kissing on both cheeks, walking arm in arm.  It’s also true that people can fake affection, particularly when circumstances dictate that they’re supposed to love you, but don’t.  However, that is more than made up for by the genuinely warm welcome my old friends give me (especially my Christian friends), and the sheer joy of spending time with people who truly care about you and aren’t afraid to show it.

(f you’re interested in visiting Albania, you might want to check out my article on Albania as a holiday destination.  Be aware, though, that the advice on visas and using credit cards is a bit out of date – things have moved on and it’s easier to visit and to use plastic than it used to be.)

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The Joys of Dyslexia

19 Jul

Tom Pellerau, who astonishingly won The Apprentice despite being a nice chap, was talking on “You’re Hired” about how his dyslexia had been a boon to him, allowing him to turn around inventions in his mind, a thing that other people don’t seem to be able to do. I can’t do that either, since dyslexia is a very flexible disability which varies from person to person. However my own dyslexia does provide some benefits – chiefly, the amusement I get from hastily glimpsed signs.

The dyslexic brain often grabs at the shape of words rather than reading all the letters, which means (out of context) I have the ability to misread things more dramatically than the average person.  Here’s a selection of my favourites:

Eat your peas = Eat your pets

Trinny and Susannah = Tyranny and Susannah

Gordon Street = Gorilla Street

Providing life-changing services to people with sight loss = Providing for the vices of people with sight loss

What’s on this month = What’s on the moon

Ignite your imagination = ignore your neighbours

Recycle your batteries here = recycle your enemies here

Krushems = blaspheme

coffee shop = chlorine

Experience the wisdom of the OT in a new way = Experience the wisdom of the OT in a new wax

The Bible played a central role in Calvin’s life and work = The BBC played a central role in Calvin’s life and work

The premium computing organisation = The power of composting organisation

cafe and picnic area = cafe and piñata area

2 for 1 dining = 2 for 1 dripping

tapers in Universal Credit = tapas in Universal Credit

serviced offices = sacred offices

catalogue specials =  cast a spell on us

celebrating fine coffee = celebs rating fine coffee

reduce arrears = reduce Andy to tears

Special Promotional Rates = Suicide Promotional Fares

Who will you back? = Who will you kill back?

Salsa and Salsacise classes = Salary and Sausage classes

Touch Blue Telecom = Touch the Blue Pelican

Fasten your seatbelt = Fasten your breakfast

Recruiting mechanics now = Recruiting maniacs now

FedEx = Feck it

Putting customers at the heart of everything we do = Putting cushions at the heart of everything we do

A&FNY = Agent Firefly

Internal management plans = Infernal management plans

Baggage reclaim = try to remain calm [particularly apt, I think]

The cosy poncho = The cosy psycho

Bifocal contact lenses = Biblical contact lenses

Professionally formulated with argan oil = Presumably formulated with argan oil

liposuction = lapsang souchong

Welding engineers = Wedding emergencies

Sit-in restaurant meals = Sit in respectable schools

14 days of unmissable tennis = 14 days of unspeakable tenor

Kirsty and Phil’s Love It or List It = Kirsty and Phil’s Love Child

We’ll buy your car = We’ll eat your car

To Let = Too Late

Do the right thing for your retinas = Do the right thing for your victims

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Bring Back Rob McElwee!

11 Jul

I have started a petition to bring back Rob McElwee, the BBC weatherman.  His forecasts were a joy, full of idiosyncratic phrases and anthropomorphic weather systems.  He was cut by the BBC earlier this year, much to many people’s dismay.  I know I’m not alone in this – there’s even an appreciation page on Facebook, as well as a page calling for his reinstatement.

If you are a fan of intelligent TV, please sign my petition.  When I have enough signatures I’ll be contacting the BBC directly.

You can see an example of Rob’s presenting here: Rob McElwee forecast
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Harmony Beauty Salon, Cathcart

8 Jul

Massage. Is there anything else which is so good for you and at the same time so pleasurable? Yesterday I went for a massage at Harmony in Cathcart. It was free (of course – I am the Freebie Queen) because my sister had given me her O2 reward. I had the choice of facial waxing or threading, manicure, pedicure or massage, and went for massage.

Harmony is less than a ten minute walk from Cathcart station, but it’s a bit off the beaten track and you have to know where you’re going – which I didn’t. I was wishing I had brought a map by the time I finally found Ashmore Road. The door was locked because there was only one person working (Caroline) but I was let in almost immediately and left in the small waiting area opposite a wall full of reassuring certificates.

The salon smelt of wax, as all beauty salons do. It’s not a strong smell, nor is it unpleasant, but it is very pervasive. (If you don’t know what it smells like, pop your head round the door of any beauty salon in the country.) The waiting area could have done with a better selection of magazines; my choice was Woman’s Weekly, trashy celebrity magazines or a shopping catalogue. I’ll leave you to guess which I chose. But I didn’t go there for the reading material, did I? I went for the massage, and that was lovely.

The treatment room was small but clean and tastefully decorated, with the usual soothing music on the stereo. It had a proper massage bed with a hole for the client’s face, which was good for me, and adjustable height, which is good for the therapist.

Caroline offered me the choice of Swedish or aromatherapy massage, and a choice of aims for the aromatherapy – relaxing, energising, etc. During the massage the room was very dark, the music quiet, Caroline’s hands warm, and it was very easy to relax. I’m sure I got more than the fifteen minutes I was entitled to, and even my legs got a bit of treatment. At the end my back felt wonderful and all the knots were worked out of my neck. My lymphatic system was also stimulated and my levels of cortisol (stress hormone) reduced, but perhaps that’s a bit too sciency. The point it, massage is great and everyone should do it, and Harmony (provided you have a map) is a good place to have one.

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Stories for Nine Year Olds

5 Jul

I was at a friend’s flatwarming the other day, had a look at her bookshelves and saw Stories for Nine Year Olds!  This was one of my favourite books from childhood.  I worked my way through the small school library, and came across it on my way.  It was one of a series (you can probably guess the names of the other titles) but the Nine Year Olds volume was by far the best.

Stories for Nine Year Olds was my first introduction to Saki (“The Lumber Room”) who became a favourite.  It has “The White Seal” in it, a wonderful Kipling story.  It also has the story of Theseus and the Minotaur, which must have been one of my earlier encounters with Greek myth and the ancient world in general.  I don’t think it’s still in print (although there are other books with the same name) but if you can get hold of one it’s a great read for any age.

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Dinky Laptop

5 Jul

I think it’s about time I sang the praises of my new netbook. It is an Elonex Webbook which I bought on Ebay for about £55. It’s tiny (7 inches!), it’s ancient (Windows CE 6.0 if that means anything to you) and it struggles to do much more than let me type, but I only got it so that I could write on the go without having to type it up, and it fulfills that purpose admirably.

Someone commented that it’s too small to be of any use, but I must have particularly nimble fingers, because it’s not giving me any serious problems – a few more typos than usual, that’s all. It fits in my handbag, which is not large, and means I can take it with me on the train to work. It takes about 15 minutes each way. Allowing for time to sort myself out, turn it on, save my work, turn it off etc. it give me another twenty minutes of writing time for every day I travel to the office. That may not sound like much, but when you struggle to find time to write (lack of discipline, really, rather than lack of time) it makes a huge difference. I’ve written an entire short story (A Recipe for Summer) and a few chapters of my novel Vermin on it. Well worth £55 – especially since it’s tax deductable 😉

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One Seven Ate, Shawlands

24 Jun

I chose my days off well this week. Monday was cloudy but warm, while yesterday was just lovely. It was so lovely, in fact, that my sister and I, and her tiny baby, decided to explore another eating establishment n Shawlands. The one we chose was One Seven Ate. We’ve been working our way through a number of them but I probably wouldn’t have tried this one if it wasn’t for the sign that appeared in the window saying it had been awarded the title “Best Diner on the South Side”. So we decided to give it a go. It’s a tiny place, easy to miss, just opposite Shawlands Post Office. There was a two person table outside, just the one, so we plonked ourselves there and started reading the specials board. We had hardly been there a minute when the waitress appeared, offering us drinks and admiring the baby. Throughout the visit the service was extremely attentive, and very flexible. In fact, the waitress even walked the baby up and down the street in the pram when she wouldn’t settle. (Seriously!)

So what about the food? Well we didn’t feel like trying the heavier main meals so I just had a toastie while my sister had one of the specials, home made chilli on a baked potato. We were offered the choice of a side salad, and of three dressings (out of a bottle). The salad was very impressive for an optional extra, although rather weirdly it contained a lot of sweetcorn. The toastie (with my own choice of ingredients) was lovely, and so was the (home made?) coleslaw. My sister’s tap water came with a slice of lemon – always a classy touch.

The only thing I would criticise, really, was the price scheme. It seemed that just about everything was £4.99, which meant that baked potatoes and fajitas seemed a bit overpriced, while proper meals like macaroni cheese or fish and chips came in very cheap. Drinks were also priced a bit confusingly. All coffees cost the same – just over £2 – from an espresso to a mocha, while ice cream and fruit was less than that. A bit odd, but still basically affordable. The coffee, by the way, was rather bitter in an eastern sort of way (think Turkish coffee) which suited me but wouldn’t suit everyone.

All in all, a friendly, good quality local diner, and I would go there again.

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Catiline

30 May

Catiline – the man who wanted to “destroy the world by fire and slaughter”.

Well that’s according to Cicero, anyway, but as Cicero was trying to push for a death sentence, he may have been a bit biased.  What Catiline really wanted was to become consul – essentially Prime Minister of the Roman Empire, except that the role was shared between two people and only lasted a year at a time.

Catiline (Lucius Servius to his pals) had gone about trying to become consul the usual ways.  He had gathered a collection of influential friends, he had bribed a lot of people, and when that had failed he had made a lot of rash promises to the worst sections of society – people who, like Catiline, had a lot to gain from a general cancellation of debts, for example.

When none of this worked, isn’t it understandable that Catiline got a little miffed?  Understandable, yes, but that doesn’t actually justify raising an army against Rome.  Here I have to confess that I have a bit of a soft spot for Catiline.  He was colourful and bold, and I always have a weakness for a good baddie.  But the fact is that Catiline isn’t a fictional character, he was a real historical figure, and I’m sure that if I had been around in Rome at the time I would have been calling for his arrest as loudly as anyone else.  (Which is to say, calling quite quietly, so his armed thugs wouldn’t kill me.)

Catiline had been trained in violence and ruthlessness under Sulla.  During the period of the proscriptions (70s BC), when Catiline was a young man, he was on Sulla’s side so he got away with murder, literally, as well as pillaging the property of those he killed.  Catiline didn’t just know how to acquire money, though; he knew how to spend it, too. He ended up in huge amounts of debt, which made it all the more important that he become consul.  The job wasn’t paid, but the year after being consul the ex-consul would be sent out as governor of a province.  That gave you the right to tax and generally exploit the local people (although you could be prosecuted if you went too far).  This would have cancelled out all of Catiline’s debt problems, and he gambled on this when he paid out bribes all over the place, but due to bad luck, lack of money (on the second attempt) and probably reservations about his character, he failed in both attempts to become consul.

It’s what he did next that he’s remembered for.  Gathering supporters both from the senatorial class (the top class, who made up the governing body) and the lower orders, he formed a band of conspirators within Rome and set up a military camp in Etruria, another part of Italy, under the command of a general called Manlius.  Then he set about trying to kill Cicero, the man who had beaten him to the consulship in 63BC.  Unfortunately for Catiline, Cicero had informants telling him all of Catiline’s plans.  There wasn’t all that much that Cicero could do, however.  Catiline needed to be proved guilty of a crime, and he protested his innocence.  He still came along to the Senate (parliament) and took part in public business, making things very awkward for Cicero.

By use of a powerful speech (Against Catiline I) in which he revealed just how much he knew of Catiline’s plans, Cicero managed to persuade Catiline to leave Rome.  Of course, he went straight to the camp in Etruria, where he gained more and more supporters from discontented Italians.  To add to the problem he posed to Rome, Catiline had left supporters in Rome who were supposed to kill Cicero, since he was the main obstacle to power.  (A number of the Senate were on Catiline’s side, after all.)  This plot also backfired because of Cicero’s informants, and so it eventually came to a pitched battle, Catiline’s troops against the Roman army.  Catiline died in 62BC, leading from the front.  Whatever else he was, he was a brave man.

Cicero felt justly proud of himself for dealing with this danger to Rome when no one else was really taking the threat from Catiline seriously.  The trouble was, though, that the circumstances which threw up the Catilinarian conspiracy still existed.  There were plenty of young men like him, born to power but unable to reach it because of debt caused by living the lifestyle that was expected of them.  There were plenty of locals outside Rome who were unhappy with the crumbs thrown by Rome and who would join forces against the status quo.  And there were other men like Catiline – ambitious, bold and ruthless – who realised that with an army behind you, power was only a few battles away.  These men – Pompey, Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony and Octavian – would tear the Roman world apart in civil wars, and would eventually lead to the fall of the Roman Republic itself.

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Imagining Scotland Competition

21 May

It’s been a very slow year as far as getting published goes, but finally there is some positive news to report – the Imagining Scotland website has finally published the stories that were long-listed in its competition. I’ve been waiting for this for a while, since mine is among them. It’s a collection of stories about the future of Scotland. You can read mind, “The Scottish Dream”, here.

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So you want to win the Eurovision Song Contest?

13 May

How to Create the Perfect Eurovision Entry

So you want to enter the Eurovision Song Contest? Here are a few guidelines for producing the perfect entry which will wow the crowds in any of the capitals of little-known European states.

1) Choose a theme. This should ideally be love or peace, or both. Hope, unity and celebration are also acceptable. If singing about unity, make sure you throw in a few phrases in various European languages to show that you’ve made the effort. If, however, these themes are a bit too saccharine for you, it is acceptable to sing about plain old-fashioned sexual attraction. In this case, try and make sure your main singer is reasonably attractive, otherwise it could backfire.

2) Choose your singers. It’s best if they can sing, but don’t worry if they can’t – each year there are a number of entries which are not held back by having tone-deaf performers. Your singers should be as attractive as you can find (unless you’re going for a humorous entry, in which case they should look much like flesh-coloured gargoyles). For the males, try to choose pretty boys rather than ruggedly handsome men. If you can find totally androgynous ones, so much the better, as it will be very effective in the …

3) Costume changes! It is a requirement of the contest that you either have a costume change or outrageously bizarre costumes, but ideally you should aim for both. If you can manage two or three costume changes, even better, but don’t have any more than this as your singers will start off looking like the Michelin man, and there won’t be any time to sing the song. Try to change women’s clothing into men’s and vice versa, which is particularly effective if you have androgynous singers. Make sure there are contrasting colours; your costume change should take less than two seconds, and you don’t want audience members to be unaware that it has taken place if they blink during the crucial moment.

4) Add something extra. Usually this would be an ethnic dimension. This works best if you come from a country which still has a strong national culture and dress, or is so little-known that you can pretend it does without being found out. The ethnic dimension works especially well if used for tragic effect, but this should only be attempted if your country has suffered war, oppression or a significant natural disaster in the last 10 – 15 years. If you come from, for example, Switzerland, you will only lose the audience’s sympathy and try their patience. If the ethnic thing doesn’t work for you, you can also try the weird / gothic angle (although this has been overused in recent years), enter a humorous piece (but be aware that humour doesn’t always translate) or, unconventionally, present a good song sung by a talented singer. If none of these options is available or appealing, you can always go for the old fall-back – a pretty girl in a very short skirt.

Good luck, buona fortuna and paḉ fatë with your entry!*

*Please be aware that these guidelines cannot guarantee a good result in the Eurovision. For that you will need several land borders and political or ethnic ties with further-flung neighbours. If you are serious about winning, please consider moving your country to the Balkans or the former USSR.

UPDATE: Since this post was written, the wonderful “Love Love Peace Peace” was released, a scientific distillation of all the crucial elements of a successful Eurovision Song.

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