Archive | October, 2009

The Telegraph and Me

31 Oct

I had the unfortunate experience of agreeing with two opinion pieces in the Telegraph.  It made me worry that comfortable middle-aged fascism is coming on early.  The one I most nodded along to was about Scottish hallowe’en versus American.  When I were a lass (she droned) we went guising, which is sort of like busking – songs, jokes, nice costumes.  Now even in Scotland some kids go trick or treating which is a bit like demanding money with menaces.  No, it’s exactly like demanding money with menaces.

However I was reassured when I found myself spluttering in outrage at something else the Telegraph said later.  They blamed middle class, non-racist liberals (that’s me, I take it) for the rise of the BNP.  Now, I understand the argument that if people, and especially political parties, pretend that there is no need for any immigration policy and to suggest otherwise is racism, you drive people who do have concerns about immigration into the arms of extremists.  But what they seemed to be suggesting was that actually not being racist was the problem, and if people couldn’t get their healthy bit of racism in the mainstream they would vote for the BNP.  Argh!  I don’t think I’ll be switching to the Telegraph just yet.

Harvest Thanksgiving

25 Oct

It’s nice when church cheers you up.  I know that’s not actually its purpose, but it is something you hope for if you’re feeling down when you go.  Today was harvest thanksgiving, apparently.  Harvest doesn’t really affect people in cities (we need newspaper articles to tell us what vegetables are in season) so the minister talked about all the other things we have to be grateful for, and invited us to put them (or a description of them) into the “harvest basket”  – temporarily, of course!

He mentioned things like laptops (my life would be much harder without mine) and phones, but also the ability to read and things like that.  We sang a song afterwards with the line “let the poor say ‘I am rich’ because of what the Lord has done for me”.  I could completely agree with it as I sang it.  I may be totally skint at the moment, but I have friends and family, a loving husband, a roof over my head, books to read and the ability to read them. It’s good to be reminded of how rich you are sometimes.

BTW, my hubbie put a photo of me in the basket – he is a pain sometimes but he certainly knows how to charm his way back into my good books!

Handbags, and My Failings as a Woman

23 Oct

I think there is something lacking in me as a woman: I’m just not that excited by handbags.  It feels like this should be the normal way to be (I mean, who gets excited about backpacks or suitcases?) but I realise I’m unusual because my friends’ reactions are completely different.

Not only am I not interested in buying them myself, I find I can’t even admire the handbags my friends buy themselves (or persuade boyfriends to buy).  They just seem silly, especially the designer ones.  One friend of mind bought a bag for several hundred pounds which was larger than two carrier bags but had no compartments, so she could never find anything when she wanted it, and all her make-up got bashed around.  On top of that, it weighed as much as a small child even when it was empty, thanks to big metal studs, and was designed to be carried in the crook of the arm.  How can you comfortably carry anything that big and heavy in the crook of your arm?  I didn’t even think it looked nice.

Anyway, I will just have to live with the disability of handbag blindness, and it will save me lots of money even if it earns me lots of scorn.

Pedestrian Highway Code

21 Oct

There’s a clear lack of rules for pedestrians, leading to traffic jams, collisions and general annoyance.  When sauntering around the shops I don’t notice it much but

a) that doesn’t happen very often, and

b) that’s because at that time I’m being part of the problem.

The problem is the different kinds of’ “traffic” going at any number of different speeds varying from half-crazed person on a half-hour lunch break, through teenagers and middle aged shoppers, to doddery old dears and people performing the texting dance (like the dance bees do to point out the location of nectar – a sort of weaving, figure of eight movement).

There are also no lanes, no hand signals, and absolutely no rear view mirrors, so when you decide to make your dive into a shop you have to guess what all the people between you and the shop door are going to do.

So here’s what I suggest:

1) Brake lights for pedestrians. These would set off it you suddenly noticed your shoelace was undone, or your eye was caught by something in a shop window.  This would avoid the awkward, edge-of-a-cliff stop you have to do if you are behind someone who stops, to avoid enveloping them in a full-body hug.

2) A lane system. I’m mainly talking about pedestrianised areas here.  Everyone on their lunchbreak, late, or in a hurry for any other reason should stick to the centre.  Anyone wanting to window shop, dawdle, text or make sudden stops should stick to the edges.  The central lane should be divided into the two directions for the avoidance of head-on collisions. Care should be taken at the entrances of shops etc. in case pedestrians are coming out, or manoevering in from the centre lane.  In this case, clear hand signals or audible warning should be given.

3) If these two measures don’t solve the problem (the problem being my getting irritated), we may have to introduce rear view mirrors, too, but that might be too drastic a step at the present time.  A quick glance in your powder compact should be sufficient.

Ruthless Peoples Magazine

18 Oct

Hooray!  Delayed by the credit crunch, issue 8 of Ruthless Peoples Magazine had just come out – and it features my story “In the Forest”.  This is especially cool as it is a bit of an odd story that I didn’t think I would find a home for. Click here to download it.

Ruthless Peoples MagazineRuthless Peoples Magazine Issue 8 Issue 8

What the world needs…

12 Oct

What the world needs is more pop up cards.  And books.  I have done my bit by making a pop up card for my mum’s birthday (it’s ok, she doesn’t read my blog).  Whenever anyone sees a pop-up there’s that moment of “uah!” – surprise and delight.  I once saw a pop up book with a pop up microscope and a pop up record player.  You would have to be surgically attached to your cynicism not to find that impressive.

What the world also needs is traffic regulations for pedestrians, but of that more later…

Hairless Alien Women

10 Oct

I have decided that adverts for women’s products, specifically depilitory treatments, are made be aliens.  Either that or they are made by people who have no contact with ordinary women and do not realise that the women who star in them are aliens.  Why do I think this?  They are all hairless before they start shaving!  Not a follicle in sight.

Now it could be that they removed their hair using some other method before they started filming the bit with the razor / epilitor / cream they are advertising.  But that wouldn’t make any sense.  They could better show the merits of their product by showing it removing hair, rather than being used in an hair-free environment.  No, it must be that the people who make the adverts do not realise that women naturally have hair on their legs and oxters.

So if they don’t know about hair, what do they think we use the product for?  Is it some kind of impractical but culturally embedded thing like like ties?  Ties, after all, don’t hold anything up and don’t clothe any part of your body that would otherwise be naked.  Or do they think women enjoy the sensation of shaving or eplilating.  (Further proof that these ads are made by hairless aliens is that claims about epilating being pain free would actually be true if you had no hair to start with.)

The only evidence I have been able to find comes from an Immac advert.  A woman, having used the cream a couple of days before, drops a silk scarf on her leg and it floats to the floor while her friend looks on in wonder.  So that must be the answer:  Using depliatory products preserves gravity around our legs.  If we didn’t use them, presumably our skirts would start to fly up.  If only preserving gravity were really painless…