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Songs to Which the Answer is “No”

26 Nov

1) Jerusalem William Blake
“And was Jerusalem builded here in England’s green and pleasant land?” No, I think you’ll find it’s in the Middle East.

2) Isn’t it Ironic? Alanis Morissette
Traffic lights when you’re already late? That’s just life, dear.

3) Do You Think I’m Sexy? Rod Stewart
Sorry, Rod, but much as I like your gruff singing voice, seventies skintight style doesn’t do it for me.

4) Football’s Coming Home (Three Lions) The Lightning Seeds
It didn’t seem likely to start with, and so it turned out. No, it wasn’t coming home.

5) Temptation Heaven 17
Because you need five in a list, and you should always say no to this one 😉

Rules to Live By

20 Mar

Some given to me as advice, some learnt from experience, but all useful when applied with common sense.

  • Smile and nod.
  • It will all seem better in the morning.
  • Ignore it and it will go away.
  • Never go to the toilet straight before going to the doctor.
  • Be honest.
  • Don’t drink wine when you’re thirsty.
  • Don’t buy an espresso from a place that can’t spell it.
  • There is no such thing as “the real world”.
  • There’s nothing wrong with being different.
  • There are better things to be than pretty.
  • There are better things to be than clever.
  • Generally speaking, beware of men with beards.
  • It is never necessary to sin in order to do good.
  • Nobody can dance.
  • You can’t dance in slippers.
  • Cultivate friendship.
  • Fresh air and sunshine are good for you.
  • In almost all cases, whisky named after a place = good, whisky named after a person = bad.

Pedestrian Highway Code

21 Oct

There’s a clear lack of rules for pedestrians, leading to traffic jams, collisions and general annoyance.  When sauntering around the shops I don’t notice it much but

a) that doesn’t happen very often, and

b) that’s because at that time I’m being part of the problem.

The problem is the different kinds of’ “traffic” going at any number of different speeds varying from half-crazed person on a half-hour lunch break, through teenagers and middle aged shoppers, to doddery old dears and people performing the texting dance (like the dance bees do to point out the location of nectar – a sort of weaving, figure of eight movement).

There are also no lanes, no hand signals, and absolutely no rear view mirrors, so when you decide to make your dive into a shop you have to guess what all the people between you and the shop door are going to do.

So here’s what I suggest:

1) Brake lights for pedestrians. These would set off it you suddenly noticed your shoelace was undone, or your eye was caught by something in a shop window.  This would avoid the awkward, edge-of-a-cliff stop you have to do if you are behind someone who stops, to avoid enveloping them in a full-body hug.

2) A lane system. I’m mainly talking about pedestrianised areas here.  Everyone on their lunchbreak, late, or in a hurry for any other reason should stick to the centre.  Anyone wanting to window shop, dawdle, text or make sudden stops should stick to the edges.  The central lane should be divided into the two directions for the avoidance of head-on collisions. Care should be taken at the entrances of shops etc. in case pedestrians are coming out, or manoevering in from the centre lane.  In this case, clear hand signals or audible warning should be given.

3) If these two measures don’t solve the problem (the problem being my getting irritated), we may have to introduce rear view mirrors, too, but that might be too drastic a step at the present time.  A quick glance in your powder compact should be sufficient.

Hairless Alien Women

10 Oct

I have decided that adverts for women’s products, specifically depilitory treatments, are made be aliens.  Either that or they are made by people who have no contact with ordinary women and do not realise that the women who star in them are aliens.  Why do I think this?  They are all hairless before they start shaving!  Not a follicle in sight.

Now it could be that they removed their hair using some other method before they started filming the bit with the razor / epilitor / cream they are advertising.  But that wouldn’t make any sense.  They could better show the merits of their product by showing it removing hair, rather than being used in an hair-free environment.  No, it must be that the people who make the adverts do not realise that women naturally have hair on their legs and oxters.

So if they don’t know about hair, what do they think we use the product for?  Is it some kind of impractical but culturally embedded thing like like ties?  Ties, after all, don’t hold anything up and don’t clothe any part of your body that would otherwise be naked.  Or do they think women enjoy the sensation of shaving or eplilating.  (Further proof that these ads are made by hairless aliens is that claims about epilating being pain free would actually be true if you had no hair to start with.)

The only evidence I have been able to find comes from an Immac advert.  A woman, having used the cream a couple of days before, drops a silk scarf on her leg and it floats to the floor while her friend looks on in wonder.  So that must be the answer:  Using depliatory products preserves gravity around our legs.  If we didn’t use them, presumably our skirts would start to fly up.  If only preserving gravity were really painless…

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