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So you want to win the Eurovision Song Contest?

13 May

How to Create the Perfect Eurovision Entry

So you want to enter the Eurovision Song Contest? Here are a few guidelines for producing the perfect entry which will wow the crowds in any of the capitals of little-known European states.

1) Choose a theme. This should ideally be love or peace, or both. Hope, unity and celebration are also acceptable. If singing about unity, make sure you throw in a few phrases in various European languages to show that you’ve made the effort. If, however, these themes are a bit too saccharine for you, it is acceptable to sing about plain old-fashioned sexual attraction. In this case, try and make sure your main singer is reasonably attractive, otherwise it could backfire.

2) Choose your singers. It’s best if they can sing, but don’t worry if they can’t – each year there are a number of entries which are not held back by having tone-deaf performers. Your singers should be as attractive as you can find (unless you’re going for a humorous entry, in which case they should look much like flesh-coloured gargoyles). For the males, try to choose pretty boys rather than ruggedly handsome men. If you can find totally androgynous ones, so much the better, as it will be very effective in the …

3) Costume changes! It is a requirement of the contest that you either have a costume change or outrageously bizarre costumes, but ideally you should aim for both. If you can manage two or three costume changes, even better, but don’t have any more than this as your singers will start off looking like the Michelin man, and there won’t be any time to sing the song. Try to change women’s clothing into men’s and vice versa, which is particularly effective if you have androgynous singers. Make sure there are contrasting colours; your costume change should take less than two seconds, and you don’t want audience members to be unaware that it has taken place if they blink during the crucial moment.

4) Add something extra. Usually this would be an ethnic dimension. This works best if you come from a country which still has a strong national culture and dress, or is so little-known that you can pretend it does without being found out. The ethnic dimension works especially well if used for tragic effect, but this should only be attempted if your country has suffered war, oppression or a significant natural disaster in the last 10 – 15 years. If you come from, for example, Switzerland, you will only lose the audience’s sympathy and try their patience. If the ethnic thing doesn’t work for you, you can also try the weird / gothic angle (although this has been overused in recent years), enter a humorous piece (but be aware that humour doesn’t always translate) or, unconventionally, present a good song sung by a talented singer. If none of these options is available or appealing, you can always go for the old fall-back – a pretty girl in a very short skirt.

Good luck, buona fortuna and paḉ fatë with your entry!*

*Please be aware that these guidelines cannot guarantee a good result in the Eurovision. For that you will need several land borders and political or ethnic ties with further-flung neighbours. If you are serious about winning, please consider moving your country to the Balkans or the former USSR.

UPDATE: Since this post was written, the wonderful “Love Love Peace Peace” was released, a scientific distillation of all the crucial elements of a successful Eurovision Song.

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Consuldictation

22 Jan

Consuldictation (noun): A process whereby someone or some people (usually in management) dictate a change (usually negative) which is about to take place whether you like it or not, but present it as a “consultation” so that your frustrated opinions can be heard, though not acted upon. It seems to be happening a lot these days.

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Songs to Which the Answer is “No”

26 Nov

1) Jerusalem William Blake
“And was Jerusalem builded here in England’s green and pleasant land?” No, I think you’ll find it’s in the Middle East.

2) Isn’t it Ironic? Alanis Morissette
Traffic lights when you’re already late? That’s just life, dear.

3) Do You Think I’m Sexy? Rod Stewart
Sorry, Rod, but much as I like your gruff singing voice, seventies skintight style doesn’t do it for me.

4) Football’s Coming Home (Three Lions) The Lightning Seeds
It didn’t seem likely to start with, and so it turned out. No, it wasn’t coming home.

5) Temptation Heaven 17
Because you need five in a list, and you should always say no to this one 😉

Rules to Live By

20 Mar

Some given to me as advice, some learnt from experience, but all useful when applied with common sense.

  • Smile and nod.
  • It will all seem better in the morning.
  • Ignore it and it will go away.
  • Never go to the toilet straight before going to the doctor.
  • Be honest.
  • Don’t drink wine when you’re thirsty.
  • Don’t buy an espresso from a place that can’t spell it.
  • There is no such thing as “the real world”.
  • There’s nothing wrong with being different.
  • There are better things to be than pretty.
  • There are better things to be than clever.
  • Generally speaking, beware of men with beards.
  • It is never necessary to sin in order to do good.
  • Nobody can dance.
  • You can’t dance in slippers.
  • Cultivate friendship.
  • Fresh air and sunshine are good for you.
  • In almost all cases, whisky named after a place = good, whisky named after a person = bad.

Pedestrian Highway Code

21 Oct

There’s a clear lack of rules for pedestrians, leading to traffic jams, collisions and general annoyance.  When sauntering around the shops I don’t notice it much but

a) that doesn’t happen very often, and

b) that’s because at that time I’m being part of the problem.

The problem is the different kinds of’ “traffic” going at any number of different speeds varying from half-crazed person on a half-hour lunch break, through teenagers and middle aged shoppers, to doddery old dears and people performing the texting dance (like the dance bees do to point out the location of nectar – a sort of weaving, figure of eight movement).

There are also no lanes, no hand signals, and absolutely no rear view mirrors, so when you decide to make your dive into a shop you have to guess what all the people between you and the shop door are going to do.

So here’s what I suggest:

1) Brake lights for pedestrians. These would set off it you suddenly noticed your shoelace was undone, or your eye was caught by something in a shop window.  This would avoid the awkward, edge-of-a-cliff stop you have to do if you are behind someone who stops, to avoid enveloping them in a full-body hug.

2) A lane system. I’m mainly talking about pedestrianised areas here.  Everyone on their lunchbreak, late, or in a hurry for any other reason should stick to the centre.  Anyone wanting to window shop, dawdle, text or make sudden stops should stick to the edges.  The central lane should be divided into the two directions for the avoidance of head-on collisions. Care should be taken at the entrances of shops etc. in case pedestrians are coming out, or manoevering in from the centre lane.  In this case, clear hand signals or audible warning should be given.

3) If these two measures don’t solve the problem (the problem being my getting irritated), we may have to introduce rear view mirrors, too, but that might be too drastic a step at the present time.  A quick glance in your powder compact should be sufficient.

Hairless Alien Women

10 Oct

I have decided that adverts for women’s products, specifically depilitory treatments, are made be aliens.  Either that or they are made by people who have no contact with ordinary women and do not realise that the women who star in them are aliens.  Why do I think this?  They are all hairless before they start shaving!  Not a follicle in sight.

Now it could be that they removed their hair using some other method before they started filming the bit with the razor / epilitor / cream they are advertising.  But that wouldn’t make any sense.  They could better show the merits of their product by showing it removing hair, rather than being used in an hair-free environment.  No, it must be that the people who make the adverts do not realise that women naturally have hair on their legs and oxters.

So if they don’t know about hair, what do they think we use the product for?  Is it some kind of impractical but culturally embedded thing like like ties?  Ties, after all, don’t hold anything up and don’t clothe any part of your body that would otherwise be naked.  Or do they think women enjoy the sensation of shaving or eplilating.  (Further proof that these ads are made by hairless aliens is that claims about epilating being pain free would actually be true if you had no hair to start with.)

The only evidence I have been able to find comes from an Immac advert.  A woman, having used the cream a couple of days before, drops a silk scarf on her leg and it floats to the floor while her friend looks on in wonder.  So that must be the answer:  Using depliatory products preserves gravity around our legs.  If we didn’t use them, presumably our skirts would start to fly up.  If only preserving gravity were really painless…

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